Why Japan Doesn’t Have a “Naked Guy with Samurai Sword” Problem

Japan Ups Ante in Island Dispute

 

BAKABAKASHII, Japan (IG News) — Japan stunned the world today by conducting joint exercises with Godzilla near the  disputed Sanrio island chain, known popularly as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.

“These islands belong to the world and must be used for the benefit of all people,” said the king of the kaiju, “Can we all get along? Or shall I go crazy on your ass?”

US intelligence officials denied allegations they failed to predict the appearance of the Japanese monster, “Categorically untrue. At the time, we were off-duty, drunk, and attempting rape.”

# # #

In other news, North Korea denied its new satellite carries Kim Jong Eun’s secret stash of Twinkies.

Japan Proposes New Olympic Event for Visually-Challenged

TOKYO (IG News) — Tokyo governor Shintaro “Tic-Tic-Tic” Ishihara announced a new Olympic event for the visually challenged, opening the city’s bid for the 2020 Summer Games.

“Shuffle, shuffle, wham!,” chortled Ishihara, “man, that’s funnier than the joke about a blind guy feeling elephant testicles and thinking, ‘ah, Yubari melons!’”

Recent polls show that 8.4% of Tokyoites agree another half billion dollar Olympic bid “can’t hurt,” 12.2% believe “eating seaweed cures baldness,“ and 79.4% responded, “Ishihara? Isn’t he dead?”

Other proposed events include “Upskirt Photography,” “Pin the Tail on AKB48,” and “4 x 100m Washlet™ Relay.”

Tokyo housewife Perky Oppai commented, “There are none so blind as those who can not pee without a catheter.”

# # #

In other news, “cool biz” re-named “sweat-like-a-sumo-in-a-sauna biz.”

Kanji of the Year 2011: “Bakayaro”

(Photo credit: Mainichi)

KYOTO, Japan (IG News) — Chahan Omori, chief priest of Yogoremizu Temple in Kyoto’s Higashi-Sonomamayama Ward, writes the kanji character for “bakayaro” (“TEPCO bites the big one”), which was chosen as the kanji character of the year, during an annual ceremony at the temple on Dec. 12.

# # #

In other news, @TEPCO_CEO denies rumors that dangerous levels of rice have been discovered in TEPCO cesium.

Pool-Peeing Season Starts in Japan

(Photo Credit: Mainichi)

TACHI-SHOMBEN, Japan (IG News) — Millions of children squealed with delight as the Japanese pool-peeing season kicked off today across the nation.

“Ah, kimochiii!,” exclaimed elementary school student Oshikko Daisuki, “Ain’t nothing like the first pee of the season! I’ve been holding back for a week!”

The Japanese tradition of peeing in pools began in the Heian period (794 to 1185), as noted in Murasaki Shikibu’s classic novel, The Tale of Genji.

“Oh, Prince Genji, your honorable urination is redolent of wisteria blossoms wafting down from the heavens, and indeed its warmth is that of the early morning sun!”

Officials at TEPCO, operator of the containment-challenged Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant, denied allegations that American-made robots were peeing in pools used to cool spent fuel rods.

“Categorically untrue,” said TEPCO spokesperson Perky Oppai, “we have elderly volunteers who do that.”

# # #

In other news, former China president Jiang Zemin announced today, “Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated with Chinese characteristics.”

 

Fukushima: What Would Godzilla Do?

Winners: Biggest Boobs in Japan 2011

(Photo Credit: LIFE)

Psychic Dog in Japan Baffles Scientists

(Photo Credit: Mainichi)

OMOSHIROKUNEI, Japan (IG News) — Scientists are unable to explain the psychic abilities of Bibi, a beagle living in a rural area of Japan, who predicted “multiple core meltdowns, corporate coverups, and incompetent emergency response” a month before the Fukushima nuclear event.

“Prime Minister Naoto Kan’s cabinet will not last another 90 days,” panted Bibi through her owner, noted natto sculptor Inchiki Kana, who has mind-melded with the dog since it was a puppy, “and you will feed me using a red plastic bowl, then take me for a walk.”

“We are at a loss to explain how a beagle can predict the future with such astounding accuracy,” said Kekko Kamaboko, chief scientist at TEPCO, “she’s more accurate than our reactor meltdown simulations!”

“Ichiro Ozawa won’t go to jail,” woofed Bibi, “and Sarah Palin won’t win the presidency, just split the anti-Obama vote.”

When asked about the future of humanity, Bibi howled mournfully, “You are all going to die, leaving only regrets over unrealized ambition.”

###

In other news, New York passes gay marriage law, requires all marriages to be “happy and carefree.”

Doraemon Confesses “I Tweeted My Ear Bulges”

(Photo Credit: @doramimy)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) – Doraemon, beloved robotic cat from the future, confessed today, “I have ears, I have always had ears, and I regret hiding my ears for all these years.”

New York Times reporter Hiroko Tabuchi broke the story while investigating rumors Doraemon allegedly used Twitter to send photos of his “ear bulges” to young anime characters.

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” said a tearful Doraemon, “I have not been honest with myself, my family, my constituents, my friends.”

“Mmmphth,” said Hello Kitty, an alleged recipient of Doraemon’s lewd tweets, but had no further comment because she has no mouth.

“China invented ear bulges during the Han Dynasty,” commented Chinese historian Ting Budong, “and this invention is celebrated on the 4th day of the 6th month by all patriotic Chinese.”

###

In other news, punctuation is important: “the penis mightier than the S word.”

 

CNN’s Worst Case Scarenario for Japan’s Nuclear Crisis