Tokyo Sky Tree Radiation Causes Mutation in Japanese Children

TOKYO (IG News) — Japanese government officials announced today that electromagnetic radiation from the newly opened Tokyo Sky Tree causes Japanese children to mutate into intolerably cute mascots.

“The Japanese people love ‘cute’ and will forgive this egregious waste of taxpayer monies,” scoffed Tokyo Governor Chintaro “Twitchy” Ishipara, “only third-country people will be disappointed the tower doesn’t actually improve their mobile phone signal.”

“Waah! Kawaii! I’m moving my family here so our kids will mutate,” exclaimed Perky Oppai, Tokyo resident and mother of 1.4 children, “and, with a little luck, they’ll catch a glimpse of @TameGoesWild in training!”

“We thought we’d have to spend millions of yen on mascots,” explained Aho Bakatare, chief of the Not-Too-Bright Ideas Section at the Sumida Ward Office, “fortunately, the radiation from the tower saves us that expense!”

“Before I mutated, I was just a third-grader whose life was filled with routine drudgery,” commented Chinko Atama (photo, left), whose head now looks like a ribbed condom with reservoir tip, “now everyone want to take my picture! Pii-su!”

###

In other news, McDonald’s China announced the new “McJasmine Happy Meal” will be available every Sunday at 2:00 p.m. exclusively at the Wangfujing store in Beijing, which is extremely popular with foreign journalists and undercover street-sweepers.

Why Foreigners are Banned from Japanese Baths

Japanese Youth Turn to Cocaine

Japan Deploys Stealth Anti-Fishing-Boat-Fishing-Boats

BEIJING (IG News) – Japan deployed today a new class of stealth anti-fishing-boat fishing boats to counter growing threats to the nation’s maritime security.

“This new class of stealthy fishing boats has the radar cross-section of shirako,” commented Ting Budong, senior analcyst at the Sino-Institute of Stealthy Stuff, “and radar-reflective white face paint makes the crew look like the ghost of Michael Jackson so feared by Chinese sailors.”

“The banners say, ‘your mother has a protruding belly button,’” said Rear Admiral Dekkai Oshiri, commander of the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Forces, “This will strike fear into the hearts of intruders more than sailors in drag dancing to AKB-48.”

Japan has recently seen a sharp increase in fishing boats disguised as fishing boats encroaching upon its economic exclusion zone, as well as large numbers of anti-whaling, anti-dolphin-hunting, and anti-anything-that-distracts-from-a-weak-economy-in-America boats.

When asked for comment, Perky Oppai, spokesperson for Japanese Prime Minister Naoto “Genghis” Kan, said in a written statement, “so sorry, the Prime Minister has gone fishing.”

# # #

In other news, 18% of Japanese amoeba say they have no interest in asexual reproduction.

Haunted Tokyo: Happy Halloween!

Photo taken at our old house in Tokyo!

Strange faces peering out of shadows of the bushes. Family friend Kyoko experiencing an out-of-body experience.

Happy halloween!

###

Sent from my iPad

Japanese dolphins preparing explosive surprise in "The Cove"

TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.

“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!”

“Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society.

“The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.”

“Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!”

###

In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.

Japanese dolphins preparing explosive surprise in “The Cove”

TAIJI, Japan (IG News) — Dolphins are secretly preparing hundreds of torpedoes camouflaged as dolphins to thwart both Hollywood filmmakers and Japanese fishermen as the annual dolphin hunt, wet t-shirt contest, and beach barbecue gets underway in “The Cove” in Taiji, Japan.

“Oscars? We don’t need no stinkin’ Oscars!” cackled Furripa Iruka, head of the All-Japan Dolphin LIberation League, “Hollywood killed Flipper in the first place!”

“Dolphins are endangered, filled with mercury, and have bigger winkies than the average Tea Party member’s member!” said Dick “Dick” Dickens, head of the Obama Ain’t President Because He’s a Muslim Witch Society.

“The consumption tax on dolphins must be increased now,” intoned Japanese prime minister Naoto ‘Kick the’ Kan, “Japan needs more money to defend the Maritime Self-Defense Forces from renegade fishing boats, as well as crashing into each other.”

“Can’t we all just get along?,” implored Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, “if not, you will be engulfed in a sea of flames when young Kim Jong-un lights my hair on fire!”

###

In other news, the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Wile E. Coyote for his unceasing efforts to bring a peaceful end to the long-standing territorial dispute with rebel scum the Road Runner.

DPJ to Ozawa: No You Kan’t

DPJ Launches New Poster

DPJ to Japanese people: S.O.S.*

*Same. Old. Shit.

JAL to use child labor in cost-cutting move

SORANOTABI, Japan (IG News) – Japan Airlines announced today it would begin using children to tow airplanes into terminals to cut costs.

“We will also begin offering a choice of whale or dolphin on international flights,” said JAL spokesperson Perky Oppai.

# # #