Japanese Man Marries Giant Bamboo Shoot

TOKYO (IG News) — Japanese men are increasingly looking to inanimate objects for intimacy according to noted anthropologist Kintama Chongitta of the University of Tokyo’s department of arcane and useless knowledge.

“Japanese women wear the economic, social, and sexual fundoshi in the house now,” said Chongitta, “and fear of these so-called ‘carnivore women’ is causing young men to marry bamboo shoots, 2-D pillows, and videogame characters so they don’t get their balls chopped off.”

“Nothing comes between me and my takenoko,” gushed farmer Chikurin Chikusho, “we even sauté our ginko nuts together.”

“Love is where you find it,” smiled young and tender bamboo shoot Dekaboko Takenoko, “and I like the way his beard tickles my culms.”

“What’s good for Japanese bamboo is good for Japan,” said minister of agriculture Sugu Amakudari, “it’s the purity of the Japanese gene pool that makes Japanese bamboo uniquely Japanese.”

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In other news, the Shanghai World Expo was exposed today as a cheap Chinese copy of the real thing.