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Rilakkuma, the “relax bear” beloved by millions of Japanese women, confessed today his addiction to cannabis at a press conference in Tokyo.
“Yes, I like smoking bud but, dude, it’s not easy to be me,” said the plush toy, “women just want me for my relaxing effect – they don’t really love me. I just want to be loved for who I am, not for what women want me to be. Women just want to sleep with me. It’s like cuddle, cuddle, cuddle all the time. I want conversation, intellectual stimulation, someone to listen to me!”
“He’s a celebrity, yeah right,” harped Kiiroitori the acerbic yellow chick, “all he does is sleep, lay around watching TV, and soak in onsen. And he never changes his brown suit. He could be so much more but it’s always me, me, me! I not surprised he’s a drug addict,” as she blazed up her meth pipe.
Korilakkuma announced that she would also be entering rehab at the Noriko Sakai Center for Treatment of Chemical Residue Dependency, commenting, “I’m afraid my eyes will look like this permanently. I’ve got to stop.”
Omaru Omawari, spokesman for the National Police Agency, said, “Let this be a lesson to all plush toys and character figures. Cannabis is a gateway to hard drugs. We are testing that green leafy substance now, and, um, what was I going to say? Hey, wow, where’s the mochi, pancakes, dumplings, flan, and doughnuts. Are my ears turning into castella? Omigod, don’t eat my ears! I think I ate too many brownies, call 110!”
Hello Kitty, the doyen of Japanese characters, had no comment because she has no mouth.
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In other news, unemployment in Japan unexpectedly dropped to 0% when the economists responsible for producing the figures were laid off in a cost-cutting move by the Hatoyama cabinet.

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